


13 Reasons Why

by caplanbuckybarnes



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-07-10 17:31:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15954155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caplanbuckybarnes/pseuds/caplanbuckybarnes
Summary: terrible, terrible, reasons why you  know James Buchanan Barnes is a monster that cannot be saved.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the timelines will be sporadic with this; some chapters will show the reader a s a child, while others wiill show them as a teenager/possible young adult

You’d first met the Soldier when he was assigned to be in your care at the facility, employed by HYDRA. Whenever he walked into your station, he never spoke a word to you. It’d taken you years to realize that he could speak, though his tone was always void of any emotion besides disgust or anger. You could never picture anything else; there were days where the man stared out in front of him as still as a statue, most days, the man struggled and fought with his handlers as they strapped him to the chair for a brainwash.

He was known as Soldat, mostly. Eventually, you had become curious and found out his name was James Barnes. You knew you could never expose him, though. You could never speak of his life previous to these concrete walls. You could never whisper a word of the life he shared with Captain America and the Howling Commandos.

Despite the way he treated you, you cared for the lost soldier in this machine’s mind. The man terrified you. Some days, he could be so gentle and kid with you, allowing you to prick and prod at his skin. Other times, you compared him to a wolf hunting his prey. He was animalistic and violent. His jaw would be locked and he’d swing at you with deadly force.

He frightened you, but you had a job to complete, a job you never wished for in the first place. You were assigned as his healer. You tended to his wounds when he would come home from a mission. You would bandage every wound, stitch every laceration on his skin. You feared every day of your life that he would choke you with his metal appendage one day.

You knew he could kill you without batting a fucking eyelash. It would take him less than thirty seconds to crush your throat. He’d leave your body on the ground and stepped over your lifeless body as he advanced on his handlers, before capturing Schmidt and Zeno and killing them all.

You hated him because you were frightened of the man.

Hearing the familiar thumping of the soldier’s boots thudding through the corridor as he slunk over to your station, you felt your body automatically stiffen with fear. “Soldier,” you greeted as he sat down on the chair in front of you.  _Silence, wonderful_ “What’s the damage today, huh?” He threw you a demonic glare as you stepped towards him to assess his gear. His metallic limb twitched beside him and you held beck a twitch before pursing your lips and stepping around to his human arm.

“You’re not injured, Soldier.” you examined him for a few more moments. He allowed you to strip him of  his gear, tossing his gear carelessly in the corner of the room. He paid no attention to your assessment, seemingly glaring to nothing in particular. He arched a brow as you fingered the scar that ran along his shoulder. As you worked on the examination, you thought you had heard him humming a tune until the examination had ceased. Shrugging to yourself, you sat in a chair and directed him to unbutton his pants. You always groaned at this part; you always felt as though you were violating the men in a weird way.

But you were a nurse and had a job to complete with a strong will to live. You weren’t planning to die at the hands of HYDRA. Once you were finished with the examination, you were pleased at how little damage he’d received from this latest mission. You stood away from him and walked over to the computer to insert the medical records as Barnes redressed himself.

A sudden cough caught your attention and you looked over the computer monitor at him. He seemed to struggle with words for a minute before shaking his head and scowling and exiting the room. You shook your head as you finished logging the information into the computer before you returned to the chemical station.


	2. Chapter 2

You were merely a child when you were forced out of the induced sleep that HYDRA had thrown you under against your will. When you were hardly a year old, your mother had been killed. You were unaware of your father’s presence; not as though it made a difference in your life. Quickly, you learned not to ask many questions or else you’d be punished severely. You gained an education, learning multiple languages and ways to train in combat. In order to be the best at any skill, you would have to be taught by the most skilled trainers that HYDRA could provide.

* * *

 

 

* * *

 

You graduated your education with high honors along with twelve other females and males in your class. You weren’t allowed to speak with them, friendships were forbidden in the facility. Once the ceremony had concluded, you were all separated into different sections of the facility; females became nurses and men trained in combat. Several worked in the Red Room, some worked in nursing. You had been assigned to assess the soldiers before they were sent off to the infirmary after missions; a sick form of caretaker, if you will. They had tried planting you as a play toy for the returning soldier. Thankfully, after several months, you were pulled form the program and had been assigned Helmut Zemo’s PA. You hated the man, but he often took pleasure in your arrogance and discipline.

In front of Zemo is where you currently found yourself, holding the manila folder he had asked you to retrieve from the Records Room. You handed the files over as he held out his hand, hardly giving you the proper attention. Quickly scanning the files, he looked over his glasses at you with a high brow. “What other news have you, my child?” He tossed the files atop his desk.

“Ba-Barnes seemed agitated while I assessed his wounds, sir.”

“Have you heard anything of the Avengers?”

“No sir.”

“Get out of my office.”

Bowing slightly before turning on your heel and strutting out of the office, you felt a terrible shiver run down the curve of your spine as the image of Barnes’s angered face crossed your mind. His eyes held hellfire beneath those blue eyes. There was nothing human about that man- machine, rather. He obeyed without restraint. He seemed dazed most days. He knelt without hesitation. He was treated with utmost respect yet he was tortured with the most agonizing torture. It sickened you that you felt pity towards the foul man.

But you always had to remind yourself that the soldier that lived in this facility were indeed humans. They were living, breathing, eating, humans. They were humans without a voice, a will. They were trapped here, just as you had been since the day of your birth. You couldn’t dream of running away from this place; you feared for your life too much to risk the possibility.

For the second time this day, you met with him. He was strutting along the corridor as you assessed a soldier that had just returned from a mission. His face had been stained with a blush in the form of a hand print splattered across his cheek bone, murder sat in his eyesight. However, the moment he had met your gaze, his face turned blank.

“You’re staring, child.” he growled after a long moment had ticked away. “Finish your assessment of Soldier 384 and get on with your duties.”

“Yes, Soldat,” you swallowed in fear and bowed your head, though you were the one who should had given the order. But he terrified you to no end. Before you could move an inch, Barnes strut over to you and pressed your back against the wall with one outstretched hand around your fragile throat.

“You’re a terrible liar, Y/N.” He spat. “Learn your place before you make homage in the chambers.” He released you violently, scowling in disgust before kicking out at you and swiping you easily across the floor as you yelped in pained surprise. As he strut away form you, he glanced over his shoulder with a hungry expression in his eyes. “And shall you get sent to the chambers, well, who will treat my wounds after my return from missions, hmm?”

You shivered as you pulled yourself back up on shaky legs, watching his retreating form. You held your breath until the echoes of Barnes’s footsteps fell away from your ears. Looking down at your shirt, you noticed the remnants of dry blood had splattered across your torso and frowned before you remembered that Barnes had been punished before you had caught sight of him.

You were a mere child, assigned to assess these grown men and women, feeling absolutely frightened every day of your life, wondering far too many times during the day if one of the soldiers would have an accident and kill you as you tended to their wounds and treatments. You were too soft to be living in close quarters with people- _machines_ \- like this. You tried to shut off your emotions and live through your life without angering anyone around you. You tried ignoring the shouts and cries of pain as you stuck syringe after syringe into these soldier’s body parts.

Even those these creations frightened you beyond belief, you felt sorry for them. You wished that you could help them all escape. You knew you had to cease these thoughts in your mind, but you couldn’t. They always invaded your mind and you knew one day you would accidentally blurt it out to the wrong person and cause the death of not only yourself, but perhaps Barnes and the others.

“Y/N,” a voice called out to you from down the corridor and you instinctively stood up ramrod straight before noticing it was a low level soldier waiting to be assessed and taken to the infirmary.


	3. Chapter 3

When you were a teenager, you were allowed one week of freedom from any assessments from for the soldiers; hell, you were even given an extra fruit cup during your lunch break. Something as silly as that meant the world to you. But, after you had finished your meal, you raised from your assigned seat and noticed that the cafeteria had emptied just as quickly as it had filled only moments ago. Three people occupied the room and your face drained from all blood as you noticed Schmidt chatting idly with Barnes in a corner. You couldn’t make out what they were conversing about, but you knew it was sinister in the way Barnes held a robotic expression.

A sudden slap across the metallic table snapped your attention away from Schmidt and Barnes and you came face to face with Zolov. Training your expression into something neutral, you raised a quick brow before nodding to him in silence

“Finish your meal; you’re expected in the training arena.” At your look of horror, Zolof chuckled boisterously. “You’re assessing, not participating, my child.” The blood rushed back to your face and you wanted to vomit all over his polished shoes. You hated having to assess the soldiers in training. It always reminded you of gladiators fighting with lions. The soldiers fought dirty and gritty. Often times participating parties killed one another, though you often assumed that that was the goal of these ‘training rounds’.

“Who will be training today, sir?” you mumbled.

“Barnes.”

“What?” you swallowed hard, feeling vomit rise in your throat once more. “Why do I have to assess him? He’s another-”

“You need more time with him.” He dismissed you before turning on his heel and walking over to the devil himself and whispering in his ear before the soldier stood with his arms at his sides and marched beside the men out of the room. You waited a total of eight seconds before following in their shadows to the training blocks.

By the time you arrived in the booth with Schmidt and Zemo, a soldier had already been taken down and was bleeding out in the far left corner of the room. Barnes paid no attention to him as he rounded his energy onto another soldier in the tight quarters. You felt your stomach clench at the sight of a wild Cheshire grin spreading across Barnes’s lips. The other soldier gave all his might in one hearty throw to Barnes’s face, but Barnes had been too quick in his movements. He dodged out of the way and the other man stumbled forward falling flat on his face in the middle of the arena.

Barnes planted himself above the man, with a foot clenched tightly to either side of the man’s rib cage before sitting on the man’s back and wrapping his arms around the man’s neck and pulling him backward. The man cried out for air and pain yet Barnes never relented until the man went limp in his arms. Before long, Barnes stood up and grabbed the man by the locks of his hair and dragged him across the floor and slammed his face against the glass window that separated you from the man himself. You jumped back in shock, knowing that he couldn’t see your reaction.

Barnes grinned like a maniac as the sudden silence filled the air and he dropped the man’s body, allowing a slither of blood stain the glass window in front of you. Terror filled you as Barnes seemed to lock gazes with you, though he couldn’t see you behind the glass.

Later that evening, after dinner had been served and most of the guards had finished throe nightly rounds, you were still in your office, finishing paperwork for the day so you could drop it off in the morning. But try as you might, you couldn’t get the image of Bucky’s sadistic grin out of your head. You’ve seen him wild before, but you’ve never been in the training room with him before. You felt horrified at the thought of how he must look just before he murders his assigned targets and it shook you to the very core of your soul.


	4. Chapter 4

“Another video?” you heard the annoyed student whine from the back of the classroom as the educator wheeled in a small television set. “What’s this one about, huh? ‘How to feed an empty soul’?”

“Triggers, actually, my dear boy.” the educator grinned wildly as she turned the television set on before a video started on the screen. “One specific soldier’s triggers, actually.”

You knew immediately whom she was referring to; James Barnes. He was always the lab rat for the doctors and scientists around here; you never understood why that happened. Though, you knew he was a desolate machine. He was favored more than the others; given better treatment around the facility. Hell, even some of the students in your class worshiped him.

The video played on with Schmidt and several other doctors surrounding the room on the screen. Machines whirred and buzzed alive among excited chatter. A red haired woman momentarily walked into the frame before mumbling into Schmidt’s ear and handing over a booklet; the red book with a lone star on the cover. You’ve only seen glimpses of the article, never once have you read the forbidden texts, though.

“Желание” You watched in admiration as Bucky begun to twitch and scream in agonizing terror in the chair that he had been strapped into in front of the camera.

“ржавый “ Bucky begun to heave in his chest, his face full of panic and terror, a battle being fought against his handsome features; fighting for dominance, yet escape.

“Семнадцать” his face begun to relax and you felt captivated by the sudden fixture in front of you. He seemed to relax in the chair, no longer fighting, a subtle twitch in his cheek bone had been the only action that exposed his consciousness to the real world outside of his soul.

“Рассве” he was completely mute by this time, expression blank, eyes filled with mirth as Schmidt strolled around in front of him, blocking Barnes from the camera’s view for a moment. His eyes followed the movement with intensity. It shook you to your core.

“Печь” Complete lack of emotion. No fighting. No twitching. Chest heaving the slightest bit. His eyes still remained fixated on Schmidt. You could hear the enjoyment in the doctor’s face as he continued reciting from the book in his hands. You were hardly aware that you were still in the classroom.

“Девять” Hardly a breath was heard in the classroom; even your educator seemed to captivated by the process in front of you.

“Добросердечный” for a long moment, you assumed Bucky would leap form the chair and murder Schmidt with his bare hands. A single twitch of his metallic limb sent you on edge with anticipation You waited

“возвращение на родину” Bucky straightened himself in the chair, the only human stance you’ve ever seen him go through His head dipped slightly to the side as his eyes continued to watch Schmidt, never speaking a word in return.

“Один” you could hear the excited amusement in Schmidt’s tone and a shiver was thrown down your spine without your consent. You were unaware that your nails were digging into the wooden desk you were seated in until you felt something wet below your finger tips. You glanced down and grimaced at the blood trail on your desk. Quickly, you wiped your sleeve across the desk and snapped your eyes up to the screen once more as the final trigger word was recited. Immediately, Bucky stood to his full height once the restraints were taken away from his body. With an empty stare, Bucky stood and faced Schmidt.

“солдат готов выполнить”

“Я готов отвечать”

A moment later, the video is cut off, much to the anguish of the students surrounding you. However, while your classmates cheered on at the video, you only felt terror and horror at the sight. You never witnessed a transformation so deadly. Every recitation you had witnessed had resulted in the soldier killing themselves in the chair. While Bucky fought against the word, he eventually submitted; fear caused your blood to run cold at the memory of the icy glare in his eyes.

A sudden crash behind the wall of the chalkboard at the front of the room caused several students to jump in fear, a few more shouted in panic. You frowned at the sound before the classroom door had been thrown open to reveal The Winter Soldier himself in total catastrophic mode. He stood in the doorway rigid with attention and discipline. He strut into the room and you immediately knew he had heard the trigger words.

Several students fell out of their chairs and flipped over their desks in a protective matter. You immediately set your mind into a nursing mode and took a hesitant step towards the soldier. He eyed you wearily as you approached him. “Soldat?” you spoke with urgency. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes.” he spoke clearly, hardly blinking as you approached him.

“I need you to go to the Infirmary, I’ll assess you shortly.” you were well aware that your educator was watching the scene unfold. But you couldn’t turn away from the soldier. You had a job to enact. You had to remove the soldier from the safety of the classroom before further damage could be done. You were shaking as he nodded and turned on his heel before yanking the door off its hinges and stalked out of the room.

After a long sullen moment, you returned to your seat before your educator tutted in your direction and ordered you out of the room. Confused, you left and threw your gaze on her as she closed the door behind her. “What was that?”

“I’m assigned to watch over the soldiers, ma’am,” you reminded her. “It’s my duty to protect those who do no harm. He was endangering my classmates and I reacted out of safety.”

“Go assess him and then you’re dismissed from classes today.”

Frowning, you nodded and stalked down the hallway, knowing exactly where Barnes would be once you reached the higher level floors of the compound. He glanced up at you when you entered the infirmary. “You’ve done well, Soldat.” you greeted him as the door closed behind you, essentially trapping you inside the room with the man. He silently regarded you with icy glares as you placed medical gloves on your hands before gesturing him to undress. Silently, he scowled at you before removing his tactical gear and sitting down back in the chair.

“What were you observing today, Soldat?” you asked as you gave his body a once over. As you moved to stick a syringe in his arm, he reacted quickly and shoved you against the wall behind you. Mirth held in his eyes as he bared his teeth at you. You squirmed under his grasp, feet hardly touching the stone ground beneath you. “Release me Soldat! Now!” you ordered in a panicked shout.

“What I do is not your concern, little one.” he growled before dropping you and returning to his chair, regarding your crumbled form before scoffing. “Get up and finish the job you were assigned, little one.”

With a whimper, you cradled your arm with the other before limping over to the tray with multiple syringes littering the surface. “Good night, Barnes.” you growled before you grabbed a needle and plunged it into his neck. You watched with satisfaction as his eyes went wild before they closed, a sigh of content falling from his lips. You grimaced to yourself before collapsing against the wall behind you.


End file.
